


Bend in the Road

by cmk418



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-26
Updated: 2009-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmk418/pseuds/cmk418
Summary: Although she didn’t realize it at the time, certain things were set into motion the night everything seemed to end.
Relationships: Rupert Giles/Tara Maclay, Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg (past)





	Bend in the Road

**Author's Note:**

> AU after Tabula Rasa
> 
> Written for LJ's lgbtfest for the prompt - Tara has been out as a lesbian for years, so when she falls in love with a man, she's not sure how to react.

Although she didn’t realize it at the time, certain things were set into motion the night everything seemed to end. After the Tabula Rasa spell was broken, Tara found herself separating from the others and circling back toward the Magic Shop. It, more than the dorm, more than the room she shared with Willow at the Summers’ house, more than the place she grew up, felt like home.

Giles was there, standing in the center of the room, travel bags in hand, looking like a man in conflict with himself.

“It won’t help,” Tara said, hugging her arms to herself as she edged toward him.

He started slightly at the sound of her voice. “What?”

“Willow. She’s unreachable.”

He gave her a look of sympathy. “I’m sorry, Tara.”

“Me too.” Her eyes fell to the bags he held. “Hell of a last night, isn’t it?”

“I’ve come to expect nothing less from the Hellmouth.” He smiled, and it was if the warmth of the world seeped into Tara. She found herself smiling back.

The chimes of the clock seemed a sudden intrusion.

“I guess your plane will be-“ Tara began.

“Right. Yes.” Giles set the bags on the floor and embraced her. Tara was reluctant to let go. She’d hugged him when he left the first time, but this was different. Over the past few weeks, they’d had many long conversations and Tara had felt a connection to Giles that she hadn’t felt with anyone else, even Willow.

“Giles, would you mind if I drove you to the airport? I’m not ready to go back just yet.”

“Of course, you may. I welcome the company.”

Tara wasn’t sure if he was being genuine or just being polite. Either way, it gave her a convenient excuse to stay out for a while longer.

They were a block away from the shop when Tara spoke. “Does it snow there?”

“Sometimes.”

“That’s nice. I miss the snow. Not enough, you know, to… but it was one of the things that I liked as a kid. What about you?”

“As a kid? I liked girls.”

She blushed and laughed softly at his unexpected answer. “I did too. I had my first girl crush in pre-school on one of my classmates. No one thought anything about it at the time – just one of those ‘kids being kids’ moments, but later on, I thought it would have been nice if people had taken it seriously. Including me. My second girl-crush didn’t happen for another nine years, and by then, I’d pretty well forgotten about the first.”

“You were still pretty young.”

“Yeah. If I’d remembered, what I was feeling wouldn’t have felt so much like a secret. Girl with secrets, that was me. Magic-practicing, girl-loving girl who would turn into a demon on her twentieth birthday.”

“So, I know all your secrets.”

“I may still have one or two, but since I know very few of yours, maybe you should fess up to one more before you go.”

“Fess up? Well, all right. I kissed Anya.”

“Oh, come on.” She glanced over and took in the serious expression on his face. “Really?”

“Well, in my defense, I thought we were engaged.”

Tara started to laugh. “I wish I could have been there.”

Giles chuckled softly. “I suspect if you were, I’d have kissed you.”

Tara’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel. _He’s joking. He has to be. He couldn’t really mean anything by it, could he?_

“You would have thereby given me a new secret to fret about late at night,” Tara said lightly, pushing away the images that threatened to creep into her mind.

“But the only one that I alone would share.”

“My life has really become an open book, hasn’t it?”

“That isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

“No it’s not.” She veered the car toward the airport exit. She sighed, “Everything seems to be coming to an end.”

“Just a bend in the road. It may come full circle after a time, or it may take you somewhere you’d never imagined.”

“I think I’ve finally become the recipient of some of that Giles-y wisdom Buffy speaks so highly of.”

“No buttering me up to try to convince me to stay.”

“Nothing of the sort. You’re on your path and I’m on mine.” She hesitated before speaking again. “Hey, Giles, would it be okay if I wrote you sometimes?”

“Certainly. Though I will admit, I don’t spend much time on the computer.”

“No. I meant writing-writing. With pen and paper. You may have heard of it,” she teased.

He smiled. “That would be lovely.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She wrote the first letter within a week, keeping it light. She wanted to tell him of her concerns for Dawn, and her hurt on seeing Willow and Amy together. She started the letter several times and whenever it delved into her emotions, she balled it up and tossed it into the wastebasket.

_Giles doesn’t want to hear that sort of thing. It’s what he’s escaping from. All of us and our petty little problems that he no longer wants to solve._

Instead, she talked about her classes, the movie she went to see with Dawn, and the trip she was taking over winter break.

_It’s just Big Bear, but there’ll be snow. I’m going with my roommate Janine and some other people. It’ll be nice to have a change of scenery._

She wasn’t sure what more to say. No “I miss you” or anything like that, no matter how true it was.

_I hope that this finds you safe and the Council is treating you well.  
\- Tara_

She sealed the envelope, addressed it and dropped it in the mail on the way to class.

>>>>>>>>>>

Three weeks later, she received a response. It was as light and as full of innocent detail as the one she’d sent.

_Really, I should have watered the plants before I left. Even the cactus looks near-death. It’s not a black thumb if the thumb isn’t present, is it?_

She read Giles’ description of his flat and the parts of his neighborhood that he was re-discovering with a smile on her face. The smile fell when she approached the end of the letter.

_I am going to the pub tonight with some friends. I believe they are trying to set me up on a date. They keep mentioning someone named Yvonne. I will attempt to make myself approachable and not scare her off immediately._

Tara set the letter aside and lay back on her bed. _He’s going on a date? Already? You’re being irrational, Tara. Giles hasn’t been on a date that you know of since Olivia and that ended a couple of years ago. He’s got every right to be on a date._

_With someone else._

_Shit. Where did that come from?_

She tried to get it out of her mind. She gathered up her laundry and took it to the laundry facility in the dorm. She attempted to do her Art Appreciation reading but wound up staring at one of Monet’s depictions of the Houses of Parliament for half an hour. She took a walk across the campus.

_This is silly. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s Giles. He’s a… he. And I’m Tara. The lesbian Wicca. That’s who I am, who I’ve been. I just need to remember that._

She made her way back to the dorm and started a letter to Giles. She wouldn’t address the fact that he had a date. Or possible date. Whatever. Besides, there was so much to tell him. Willow being back on the road to recovery. Dawn’s accident. Maybe she should ease into the latter, or just use it in context with the former.

 _Oh!_ She could talk about Anya and Xander’s wedding preparations. She’d been going into the Magic Shop a few days every week to help out with the customers, choosing times when the chance of running into Willow was minimal. Anya drove her to distraction with questions about table setting scenarios, invitations, and dress ideas.

_She actually asked me how it felt to be the Amazon of the group. I know I’m tall, but Amazon? Honestly, that discussion had me wanting to draw a sword. Are you going to be coming to the wedding? Anya’s going to send a formal invitation, but I thought I’d ask._

She frowned at her words. _Is that too needy? What if he brings a date? Do I really need to hear that he’s going to be a “Plus One”? Anya would be complaining about that for weeks._

She crumpled the letter up and started again. The second draft fared much better.

The letters continued back and forth for a time. Occasionally they responded to one another’s questions, but mostly the letters were just snapshots from their current lives. Giles never mentioned dating again – something that Tara was both curious about and glad of. She sent the news of Willow’s progress that she’d received from Anya and Dawn. She even mentioned her personal return to magic.

_Someone asked me to do a spell. Just a small thing – more of an aura reading actually, but when I did it, I realized how much I missed that part of me. So I unpacked the boxes that have been sitting in the corner of my room since I moved back, rejoined the campus Wicca group (they are so far beyond bake sales now), and have been gradually getting back into practice. I feel bad about it sometimes, like I’m distancing myself from Willow, which is a little ironic since the thing that brought us together is the thing that’s driving us apart._

She re-read what she wrote. It was personal, sure, but this felt too important not to share.

She sealed the envelope and sent it away.

>>>>>>>>>>

“Well, that still leaves Sammy from your job, your cousin Louie, the clan K’wen, and Giles as not having responded.”

“Clan K’wen?” Tara asked.

“They did me a favor in the 13th Century. It would be rude not to have invited them. There’s only three remaining.”

“Not much of a clan.”

“Yes, but calling them the K’wen Trio doesn’t sit well.”

“Giles did respond. He isn’t coming,” Xander said quietly and braced for the onslaught.

“What? Why?” Anya demanded.

“He didn’t say. The card came today with the ‘No’ box checked.”

“What could be more important than our wedding? He was here when we got engaged. He was here when we announced it.”

“The Council is sending him to Egypt on assignment,” Tara said.

“Well, whatever is in Egypt is going to stay in Egypt. Look at the pyramids for Gwynaar’s sake. And how do you know so much about Giles’ agenda?”

Tara made a show of glancing at her watch. “Oh, that’s the time? Meeting on campus. Need to go.”

Tara grabbed her purse and hurried out the door of the Magic Shop.

_For Gwynaar’s sake, Tara. It’s Giles. There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about. He’s your friend. Friends talk. There’s no shame in exchanging a few letters._

>>>>>>>>>>

“Hello, Tara.”

She nearly dropped the phone at the sound of his voice. “Ru-Giles! How’s Egypt?”

“Fine. We’ve nearly finished the translation.”

“Is it what you thought?”

“Better. The possibilities at this point are endless.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“Tell me. How are you? How was the wedding?”

“I’m… At this moment, I’m really not sure how I am.” She heard Giles chuckle through the phone. “As for the wedding, it kind of imploded. Xander left Anya stranded at the altar.”

“Where is Anya?” The concern came through loud and clear.

“She’s… No one knows where she is. She’s been gone a couple of weeks. I think if there was going to be trouble, it would have happened already.”

“Perhaps you’re right, but it doesn’t hurt to be on guard.”

“Being on guard is what we’re good at.”

“Quite so.”

“Buffy still misses you. So does Dawn.”

“And how is Willow?”

“Sixty-two days magic-free. We’re going for coffee together Friday.”

There was a long silence on the other end. It was so long that Tara prompted, “Giles?”

“It’s wonderful that you two are able to reconcile.”

“Well, it’s a process. I don’t know if we’ll be able to make it work again.”

“I think that if anyone is capable of it, you are.”

“Thanks, Giles.” _I don’t want him to be reassuring about this. I mean, I’m glad Willow and I are reconnecting again, but still, it wouldn’t hurt if he would at least ask me if I was sure what I was doing._

His voice interrupted her thoughts. “Tara? Are you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“This meeting with Willow. Is it something that you want?”

“It’s something that I have to do.” She paused, “How long until you’re back in London?”

“Another few days.”

“It may seem silly, but I’ll feel better knowing that you’re safe at home.”

“It doesn’t seem silly at all. Good night, Tara.”

It was daytime, but that didn’t stop her from responding. “Night, Giles.”

>>>>>>>>>>

The coffee date with Willow started well. Willow did most of the talking, catching Tara up on some of the recent Scooby adventures. They laughed together and things seemed well on the way to returning to normal.

_I don’t have this with Giles. Whatever I feel, there’s not this ease._

_Does this feel easy just because Willow and I have a history together? Is it easy because Willow is a woman and I’ve always been more comfortable with women than with men?_

_If it’s so easy, then why am I second-guessing it? I could just jump into it with both feet, skip all the little getting reacquainted steps, and pick up with Willow where we left off._

Tara’s thoughts were interrupted as Anya plunked herself down at the table. Anya engaged them in small talk for a moment, and then shifted the subject to Xander, and the terrible things that should befall him. She used the argument that since Willow and Tara were lesbians, they should hate men. Anya prattled on and on, trying to get them to wish some evil on men in general and Xander in particular. Finally, Anya stood up and fired a parting shot. “If you all love men so much, then go love men.”

Willow laughed, shaking her head. “Maybe I should try to find Xander. To warn him.”

“Yeah. Okay.” The phrase ‘Go love men’ was reverberating in her head like some cosmic permission slip had just been given.

“Are you all right?”

“Fine.” She didn’t want to say anything else. “Make sure Xander is all right.”

Willow nodded. Both she and Tara pushed their chairs back from the table and stood facing each other for a long moment.

Willow pulled her into an embrace. Tara leaned in, enjoying the feel of Willow in her arms. It felt different to Tara, perhaps because she knew that this would be the last time she’d allow this to happen.

Tara pulled away and watched Willow walk out the door of the coffee shop.

>>>>>>>>>>

“Tara,” Willow’s voice over the phone was unsteady.

“Willow, what is it?”

“Buffy. She’s been… she’s been shot. They had to take her to the hospital. Xander’s with her. I have to wait for Dawn. Can you…?”

“I’ll meet you there.”

_Oh Goddess. Buffy. And Giles. Giles won’t be able to handle this again. It was difficult enough to watch him the last time._

Tara strode through the waiting room of the Emergency unit. She unbolted locks on her way to the room where the doctors held Buffy. The Slayer was on the table, pale and still. Monitors beeped.

“Pressure’s dropping.”

She raised her hand and said one word. “Out.” The doctors and attendants complied, moving out of the room.

She stepped closer to Buffy and moved her hand above Buffy’s body. When she reached the wound, she focused with all her mind and pulled. The bullet came out of the body smoothly and she closed her hand around it, whispering words of healing that would augment the Slayer’s own healing processes. Within moments, the wound had closed and Buffy’s heart functions had stabilized.

Tara slipped out the door and went back to the waiting room where Xander, Willow and Dawn had gathered. “She’s going to be fine,” said Tara. She clasped Dawn’s hand, pressing the bullet into it, and then promptly passed out.

>>>>>>>>>>

She felt strong fingers tracing the line of her face. She opened her eyes. Giles was sitting on the edge of the bed. “How-?”

“Janine let me in.”

“Why are you here?”

“Dawn called me.”

“But Buffy was hurt. You should be with-”

“I saw Buffy. She says you saved her life.”

“I went against the natural order.”

“You saved her life.”

“I’m no better than Willow. The power went through me and, oh Giles, I could barely hold on. What if I had failed? What if I failed and the doctors that I sent away could have helped her?”

“You didn’t fail.”

“I was arrogant to think that I was the only one who could have helped her.”

He wrapped an arm around her and lightly rubbed her shoulders. “Yes, you were. And you paid the price. The Coven I work with in England put up some safeguards here mainly in case that Willow returned to practicing dark magic. Anyone drawing a large amount of mystical energy in Sunnydale would receive a sort of magical backlash, so to speak. Hence, your fainting spell at the hospital and your rather reduced mobility the past few days. I think that can be easily remedied.”

“Well, consider me Sleeping Beauty,” she murmured.

Giles gave her an odd look, chanted a phrase in Latin, and moved to a chair in the far corner of the room.

Tara propped herself on an elbow and looked at him. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I am, too.”

“I’m starving.”

Giles chuckled. “A rather natural side effect. Should I take you out?”

Tara took a moment to breathe in his words, and then nodded. “It’ll take me a few minutes to get ready.”

“Take your time. I’ll wait in the lobby.” With that, Giles left, giving Tara the privacy she needed to get ready and process this recent turn of events.

_Oh goddess. Rupert Giles. Here in my dorm room. And we’re going out. To eat. Like on a date. Except he knows that I don’t date men, so it’s not really a date. Should I stop looking for the good shoes?_

_This is silly. The thing I’ve always told myself and the argument I’ve consistently made since coming out is that we love who we love. I never wanted people to automatically assume I was heterosexual. I knew they did, but now it just seems that it’s gone the opposite way. I never intended to close myself off one way or another, but it seems that I’ve done just that._

_Can I get him to see behind the labels and just see me as Tara? Can I get him to see that it is possible for me to be in love with him?_

She sighed and walked down to the lobby. “Could you come back to the room for a minute?” _I’ve got to tell him. I owe it to myself._

Giles closed the door behind him. Tara stood on the other side of the room, mind racing to find the best approach to take.

“Tara?”

“I didn’t want to leave you out there too long. I can’t find my other shoe.” She held up one sandal. Coward. She crouched beside the bed, peering under it as she pushed boxes aside. “Giles, those bends in the road. Do you think other people notice when our lives suddenly veer off-course?”

“I guess it would depend on distance and time. The more separation people have, the easier it is to see the changes. Like with Buffy and Dawn. They’re closer than they were when I left. And Buffy seems more hopeful, as though this latest experience of death has given her more of a will to live.”

“And if you have preconceived notions of people…”

“Well, Willow certainly blew that out of the water. She was a shy bookworm when I first met her and she’s definitely not that anymore. There’s also my personal experience.”

“With the Council.”

“Yes, although I don’t believe they’re too surprised when I become a bit rebellious.”

“Have I changed?”

“You’re more comfortable around people than when I first met you – that surely has changed, but, at heart, you’re still the same sweet girl I know and care about.”

Tara peeked out from the side of the bed. “I care about you too, Giles.”

“I know.”

Tara dropped the single shoe on the floor with a clunk and stood up. “I don’t think you do.” She walked around the bed and sat on the edge facing him. “Remember what you said to me on the night you left?”

“About the bends in the road?”

“No.”

“We talked about many things.”

“You said that if I’d have been in Anya’s place, you would have kissed me.”

“Certainly. As a result of the spell.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“You’re not attracted to me.”

“Wha-what?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve gotten everything wrong.”

“Wait a moment. I may be a bit jet-lagged. You’re upset that I’m not confessing my attraction to you? You want me to tell you that I find you the most beautiful, desirable, yet unattainable girl I’ve ever met? You want me to tell you that I look forward to receiving your letters in the post? You want me to tell you that hearing your voice on the other end of the phone made me happier than I’ve been in months?”

“All of the above. Later. Rupert, I love you and right now I just want you to kiss me.”

Tara watched him stand and move toward her. She stood up, took a step forward and met him halfway. He framed her face with his hands, and then gently brushed her lips with his own. It was everything and nothing like she expected.

In that moment, she realized that things didn’t end with Willow’s spell. She’d just taken a bend in the road toward a new destination.


End file.
